Saving Spencer Reid
by ReKoJ
Summary: Spencer Reid is having a hard time dealing with the suicide of Jason Gideon.
1. Chapter 1

Saving Spencer Reid

Chapter 1

Spencer knew that there was something wrong. The entire team knew that Sarah was dead, Frank had seen to that. But what they hadn't expected was the complete silence and withdraw from Gideon. Hotchner had seen it as a possibility but that didn't mean that he or the rest of the BAU team had expected the meltdown that would follow. Spencer could have told them that another depressive episode was on the horizon and there would be nothing he (or anyone for that matter) could have done to stop it. Knowing this didn't mean that he'd been ready, not by a long shot. Spencer had always figured that Jason Gideon would act like his surrogate father; he hadn't even thought of what he would do if he was gone.

Spencer was sitting inside Gideon's office, chessboard ready and waiting to see if he was going to come in. He was surprised when it was Aaron Hotchner that came in. And judging by the look on the Unit Chief's face, he hadn't been expecting to see Reid either.

Aaron looked around the room. "Where's Gideon?"

"I don't know." Spencer shook his head. "He never came back last night." Reid tried to shrug it off; he was trying to remain positive. He tried doing this by telling himself that everything would be fine. Jason would probably leave for a few days to straighten himself out; he would come to terms with what had happened and then return to work. Although Reid was unable t shake the uneasy feeling that was growing in the pit of his stomach, he had to remain positive and believe that Gideon would pull through. The thought never occurred to Reid that this might not happen.

Aaron pulled out his cell phone and dialed Gideon's number. He let it ring about half a dozen times before deciding that he wasn't going to answer.

"Reid, do you know where Jason's cabin is?"

Spencer didn't even hesitate; of course he knew where the cabin was. It was the one place that Gideon had, (that he had shared with Spencer) where he said it was safe. He'd told Reid that it was a good place to go when the demons from work got to be too much. He'd given Reid a key stating that if he was going to have a long, healthy career with the BAU it was vital that he had a place where he could be alone and away from everything and everyone, just so that he could clear his head and his heart of the evil that he'd endured.

Reid looked at Hotch puzzled. "Why do you want to know where the cabin is?"

"In light of everything that has happened, it's my job as Unit Chief to make sure that all of the members of my team are well."

Reid shook his head, he understood where Hotch was coming from but he just can't bring himself to betray Gideon like that. "Hotch, do you," Reid takes a deep breath and licks his chapped lips. He tries again, "Do you think that I could go alone? He's entrusted me with the location of his cabin, and seeing as I have disappointed him enough this year, I wouldn't feel right just giving up that information."

Hotch ran his hand through his hair. He was feeling uneasy and extremely uncomfortable with sending Reid anywhere on his own, He always had been but he was not delusional enough to think that it hadn't gotten worse since Reid had been abducted and tortured by Tobias Hankel. But he knew that this was an argument that he wasn't going to win. Reid could be stubborn when it came to his own personal causes and Hotch knew that it would be unwise to argue with him over this.

"Okay, but I want you to call someone from the team as soon as you get to the cabin, whether he's there or not."

Reid could see the pain and concern in Hotch's eyes. He knew that Hotch didn't want him going by himself but he also knew that Hotch wouldn't degrade him or humiliate him by insisting that he take someone with him. "Yes, sir."

He stood up, leaving the chessboard sat up. He still had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he knew that this was going to end badly but he also knew that even though it was important to trust his instincts, it was essential to keep a clear head. There was no point in acting like the worst had happened when he hadn't even seen the cabin yet.

He left Gideon's office and headed towards the parking lot. He was trying to be positive while at the same time trying to mentally prepare himself for what he might find when he got there.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The drive to the cabin took a lot longer than Spencer remembered. He knew that in actuality it was the same amount of time but because he was anxious to get there and see that Jason was in fact fine; the drive seemed a lot longer. When he reached the cabin he was relived to see Gideon's car in the driveway.

He shut off his car, got out and cautiously walked up the stairs. He knew that just because he knew and trusted Gideon was no reason or excuse to throw all caution and sensibility out the window.

He knocked on the door and was a bit surprised when the door opened from the slight pressure he placed on it from knocking. The first thing that hit him was the silence, the few times that he'd visited Jason while he was there; he could always hear music playing. Now there was nothing. Another thing was that all of the windows were closed; the cabin smelled stale, which suggested that they'd been closed for days. As far as Reid was concerned all of this up to nothing good.

He entered the main room, carefully and quietly taking his gun out of the holster. He doubted that anyone would have had the gull to break into Gideon's cabin he but dealing with the sort of people that they did on a regular basis it was hard to say. He carefully searched the main room, the kitchen and the bathroom. On the desk in the main room he found an envelop with his name on it; that was all. He left it on the desk; figuring he would read it later.

As he entered the bedroom there was no mistaking the strong odor of blood, it was thick and heavy. He opened the door all the way and he took a deep breath to avoid gasping. With trembling hands he reached inside his pocket and took out his cell phone. "Hotch, I found Gideon. He's dead." Spencer felt almost drugged as he stared at the body of his mentor and repeated the words into the phone. This time his voice had gotten a little high as he let the panic set in.

Hotch nodded, "Okay Reid. You need to tell me the location of the cabin and then you need to call the police."

Reid nodded, his eyes never leaving the blood soaked body. "1647 Battle Creek road, cabin 12." He hung up the phone and dialed 9-1-1.

Hotch on the other hand knew that they needed to get to Reid and fast. He knew that Spencer finding Jason's body would probably leave its scars on the young doctor's psyche, but he knew that they would deal with that when the time came. He went to the Bull Pen, "Morgan, J.J. and Garcia, meeting room now."

They all filed into the briefing room. Morgan glanced around the room, slightly concerned when there was a total lack of Reid. "Where's Reid?"

Hotch looked more serious and somber than anyone had ever seen him. "He's at the suicide site."

J.J. looked confused. "If it's a suicide I don't see why it's our case…"

As Hotch turned the view screen on, everyone saw the personnel photo of Jason Gideon. "This time it's personal. We leave in ten minutes."

They went to the cabin. Morgan went to find Reid, he knew that the kid looked up to Gideon as a father figure and was just hoping that he wouldn't take Gideon's suicide as yet another father leaving him. If he chose to look at it that way Morgan didn't know if there would be any fixing him. Derek knew that for all of his intelligence he lacked the simple ability to see beyond his own emotional problems and fear of abandonment, to the personal problems that Gideon could've been having. That it wasn't so much Gideon leaving Reid as it was Gideon trying to escape his pain.

When Morgan found Reid he was calmly explaining to Officer Fields why he'd been at the cabin and who the deceased was. Morgan knew Reid; probably better than anyone else, the tone that he was using was the one he used when he was uncomfortable with the people or the situation. His body language also told Morgan that he was uncomfortable, scared and exhausted.

Derek stepped behind Reid. "Are you almost finished Officer Fields?"

The officer glared at Morgan. "Who are you and are you aware that you are interrupting an investigation?"

Morgan flashed his ID. "Special Agent Derek Morgan, FBI. And it's not your investigation; as of five minutes ago it was handed over to us. Are you finished with Dr. Reid?"

Spencer had never been so glad to see Morgan. He was used to the police's attitude that since he was young, he was unknowledgeable and a suspect. Spencer was aware that it looked bad due to the fact that there was a letter (a suicide note Reid had guessed) addressed to him written by the deceased.

The officer glared at Derek. "For now."

Derek put one of his hands on Spencer's too-thin shoulder away from where the officer was still standing.

"There's a letter…" As Spencer spoke he was playing with the hem of his sweater.

Morgan nodded to show that he understood. "As soon as it gets processed for evidence I will make sure that it's returned to you."

Reid nodded he knew the procedure. He sat on the steps to the cabin; his head was in his hands. He could feel the sting of tears; he didn't want to cry, not with all the strangers around. He knew that everyone outside the BAU that he was too young and therefore, too immature to be there. He would have to save his grieving for later.

Morgan stood next to Reid, his hand still protectively on his shoulder. He could literally feel the wheels in the genius' head turning. He just hoped that it wasn't self-destructive. He, like, everyone, knew it was only a matter of time.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The funeral was quick. Jason had no surviving relatives so the visitors at his funeral were mostly the BAU team and some of the higher management. Strauss had asked Reid before the funeral if he would say the Eulogy and he declined. Aaron knew that he would. That was why to spare him the embarrassment of an explanation) Hotch said the Eulogy. During the funeral Reid was quiet, he just sat, he never even cried.

Each member knew that they should take time off but they also knew that wasn't going to happen. Each of them had said their good-byes to Gideon and knew that it was time to move on. Reid was the only one that seemed to be having a hard time. Not that anyone was surprised, he was the one that Gideon wrote his suicide note to, and they all knew that none of this was going to be easy for the young doctor.

So despite what Strauss thought they should do, none of the BAU team took any time off. The entire team was in the office the day after the funeral doing their reports. Spencer sat at his desk, computer off, seemingly flipping through the stack of files on his desk. Everyone on the team knew better. He was reading through his finished reports. He didn't even realize that both Hotch and Strauss were watching him from Hotch's office.

"Are you sure that he's okay?" She watched him in semi-awe, as the pile of folders on his desk got smaller and smaller.

Aaron watched Reid trying to see if anything had changed. Sure, he seemed a bit distracted but he wasn't losing weight, drinking less coffee and he looked as though he were getting enough sleep. "No. He found the body of his mentor. Would you be okay? Do you know anything about Dr. Reid?"

She looked at the Unit Chief; clearly irritated. "I've read his file."

Aaron shook his head. He found it extremely sad that she thought Reid could be narrowed down to what was in his file. The doctor had been through a lot; some of which Hotch and Gideon had neglected to put in his file. They had made the unanimous decision that there were certain things that were no one's business (his addiction to Delaudid was one example of that). "So in other words you know nothing at all. He's been through hell in his short life but he's managed to pull through and I'm going to guess that this particular situation will be no different. This one might just take a bit more time."

Strauss looked out onto the bullpen, tapping her fingernails almost impatiently on the rail. "I could demand that he take a vacation. I'm sure that he could use the time off to be with his family."

Hotch shook his head. "I don't mean to be disrespectful but that's laughable. He's an only child, his father abandoned him and his mother when he was young and since he was 18 his mother has been in a mental institution for being a Paranoid Schizophrenic. Do you still think that he could use some time to be with his family?"

She shook her head. It was her job to make sure that everyone was doing their jobs to the best of their abilities; this included the agents that she didn't like or just couldn't understand. "He may not have any biological family but weren't you the one who told me that being part of the BAU was like being in a family?"

Hotch sighed knowing that this was a battle that he couldn't/wouldn't win and that left a bitter taste in his mouth. He slumped his shoulders in admitted defeat.

"Good, then you can fix this." She gestured towards the young man sitting in his chair, eyes closed, with his head resting on the back of his chair, tilted towards the ceiling. She gave Hotch one last icy stare (just so that he knew that she was serious) and then she went back to her office and closed the door.

Reid put the last of the files into the 'finished' pile. He looked at the clock and realized that it was almost time to go home. His eyes became moist when he realized that it was almost time to go back to his apartment, the emptiness, the guilt and the letter that had outlined all of it for him. Morgan noticed the slight shift in Reid's demeanor and looked worriedly up at Hotch, who for the time being, the best that he could do was a small shake of his head.

Reid, seemingly unaware of the mute conversation that had gone on above his head, grabbed his stack of completed reports and proofread files and headed towards Strauss' office. After he deposited them in the correct bin, he walked down the hallway and knocked on Hotch's door.

"Come in." He's not all that surprised that Reid has come in to tell him that he'd finished; his reports are already in Strauss' possession, he's going home and he'll be back in the morning. As he speaks Hotch watches him. He's trying his best not to profile the doctor but with everything that has happened he's finding that increasingly hard to do.

And of course Reid noticed this. "Aaron, I'm fine." He smiled at Hotch, hoping it came across as genuine and not creepy or fake.

"We're worried about you." He knew that Reid was always worried that people didn't think that he could do his job because of how young he was, this included his team members. He wanted to let Reid know that he was concerned but also that he knew that he could do the task at hand.

For a minute Spencer's smile falters. There's a delicate crack in the mask that he's wearing and for one brief and terrifying moment Hotch sees the scared and struggling young man that Reid really is. He seemed to catch it in time and carefully replace it. "There's nothing to worry about." The smile is back and Aaron doesn't buy it for one second.

"I know how hard this must be for you. I know that you looked up to Jason and that in a lot of ways, for you he'd replaced your father. But he wasn't well and probably hadn't been for quite some time. I am sorry that it was you that found him." Hotch shook his head, "If I had known…"

Reid readjusted the glasses on his nose. He knew that as long as he stood in Hotchner's office, he had to remain composed, even if the only thing he wanted to do was scream and throw a fit. "This has nothing to do with my father. Maybe at one point it might have but Gideon was not my father. He was my friend and my mentor but that was it. If you're finished, I'm exhausted and would like to go home."

Hotch stood up from his desk and walked towards Reid. He knew that he had to make sure that Spencer was going to be okay before he left his office. He didn't think that Reid would do anything drastic but one never knew. "I know that you are tired and I'm sure that you are full of questions and I'm not sure if I'll have any of the answers for you. I just want to make sure that you know that you are not alone, we are all here for you, if and when you need to talk."

Reid carefully considered what Hotch had said. He was fighting to keep his composure and he wasn't sure if he was doing it well. He nodded his head and cleared his throat. "I know that. It's just a lot to take in, process and figure out. I know that eventually it will make sense. Can I go now?" As he spoke his voice broke, as it did when he was extremely nervous. He hated that but he knew that there was nothing that he could do to stop it. It was a habit that he had developed when he was younger and no matter what he seemed unable to break it.

Hotch put his hand on Reid's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. The paternal side of him didn't want to let him go until he was a hundred percent sure that Reid was as okay as he said but the Unit Chief side of him knew that that simply was not an option. "You may go."

Reid exhaled (he hadn't even been aware that he'd been holding his breath) and walked out of Aaron's office. He walked past his desk, grabbing his messenger bag as he walked. He left the building without saying good-bye to anyone. Everyone noticed but nobody spoke.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Reid entered his apartment and turned on most of the lights. He really did hate the dark and so he tended to spend as little time as possible in it. He turned on the coffee maker; he had a feeling that the night was going to be long and sleepless.

Once seated on his couch, with a cup of strong, black coffee and the envelope that Gideon left, he read it again. He didn't need to read it to know what it said his eidetic memory made sure of that; he did it more because he wanted to see the penmanship that was all Jason; and he knew that as his eyes scanned over the neatly written words he would hear Jason's voice in his head. He unfolded the letter and began to read.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this to you; maybe because I feel as though I owe you an explanation. It wasn't just the death of Sarah that made me do it; she was one factor in a slew of bad, horrific events. It was her, what happened to you, what happened to Morgan, and the fact that no matter how many we arrest there will always be more

I also owe you an apology. You, Spencer, are one of the brightest and most talented men I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I brought you into the BAU because I thought that was where you'd truly shine. I hope that this unfortunate event doesn't taint that. I know that wherever you decide to go and whatever you decide to do you will be an asset to that team.

I don't want you to blame yourself for what happened. There was nothing you could have done that would have prevented it or changed my mind. I hope that you've been spared having to see my body, if not then I'm sorry. It was never my intention to become another monster in your closet, if that is what has happened I am deeply sorry for that.

I will try to answer all of the questions that you have. The main one is probably why. I couldn't take it anymore. I thought this place would be the most appropriate, so now this quiet little cabin is yours. I have no surviving relations; so I gave you everything that I held close.

Take care Doctor Reid. I hope that you are better equipped to deal with the monsters then I was. If you take nothing from this take the fact that it was a pleasure to know you and work with you. I am so proud of you.

Sincerely,

Jason Gideon

By the time that Spencer finished reading the letter he had tears making their way down his face. When he had originally opened the letter; there had been a small key on a chain. He knew that the key was the master key to the cabin and he wore a key, that was similar around his neck on a chain.

He let the letter fall from his hand and flutter to the floor. He curled up on his couch, hugging himself and crying. Nothing made sense anymore. For the first time in a long time he wished that Tobias had killed him.

He cried silently not like his neighbours would have cared if he screamed at the top of his lungs. He had the sneaky suspicion that no one would care. He didn't remember falling asleep but he awoke to his cell phone ringing.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Morgan, J.J, Prentiss and Hotch were all in the briefing room. Morgan had tried Reid's cell phone for what seemed like the one-hundredth time, once again it rang and then went straight to his voice mail. Everyone at the table exchanged glances. There was only one time that they could think of when he was late like this; no one wanted to say it. No one wanted to admit or entertain the possibility that he could be back on Delaudid. The last time, they had almost lost their genius and no one wanted to go down that road again. Hotch was the first one to speak, he knew that as Unit Chief it was his job to mention the worst of possibilities because if they had in fact come to light then it would be his job to deal with them and the effects that they had on the team.

"There's no evidence to support that anything bad has happened. As far as we know he could have just slept in. He has been through quite a bit this past week." Even as he spoke he ran a hand through his hair.

Prentiss shook her head. "It's not just that. We have all been through quite a bit."

Morgan silenced her with a glare. "Hearing that Gideon was gone was one thing. We weren't the one's that found his body. Reid's never been really good with traumatic events and we know that. He's probably going to look at this at another one of his failures and we will all have to be here to pick up his pieces when he falls apart."

J.J. shook her head and looked right at Hotch. "Of all the people that could have found him why did it have to be Reid? Why would you have sent him in alone?" She hadn't meant for the last part to be out loud but by the time that she had realized that she'd spoken it was too late for her to correct herself.

Hotch didn't take offence to her questions. He knew that if the roles were reversed he would be asking her the same thing. She wasn't accusing him of anything she was just wanting to know why. He figured that he owed the team an explanation. "When I got to work that day, he had already been in Jason's office. I knew that if Jason was anywhere he was going to be at the cabin but I had no idea where that was. Reid told me that Jason had told him where the cabin was but he was very reluctant to tell me. So I had no choice but to let him go. I know that that may not have been the best decision but it was the only one that I had. Spencer felt that if he told me and Gideon was fine that Jason would be disappointed in him and angry that he had not kept the location a secret."

Morgan shook his head. "But Jason was dead. And now Reid won't even pick up his phone. What the hell are we supposed to do with that? And what about the suicide letter that Jason had left, he addressed it to Reid. That alone is going to mess with the kids head."

Before Hotch had a chance to respond to the accusation, there was a noise at the door. Reid was standing there, coffee in hand and walking into the room. He looked like he hadn't slept and no one mentioned that he was still in yesterday's clothes. As he sat near Morgan he seemed oblivious to the fact that everyone was staring at him.

"I'm sorry I'm late. My alarm never went off. It won't happen again."

Hotch looked at the youngest member of their team in amazement. He knew that he should have at least been angry that the genius was late but he just didn't have it in him. He was just relieved that Spencer was there now and that there hadn't been (as far as he could tell) anything actually wrong. "Reid, you can take the day off if you need it." This wasn't what he had wanted to say, in fact Hotch had wanted to say nothing at all but he knew that the rest of the team was looking at him to say something.

Spencer sipped his coffee. He knew that he should take Hotch up on his offer; at the very least he could take a few days and go see his mother. Or he could find an isolated area _not the cabin anywhere but the cabin_ and get his head together. But he also knew that they probably had a dozen cases that needed their (his) attention and that anything that was going on in his head would have to wait until later.

He adjusted his glasses and smiled. "No, that won't be necessary. Like I said, I'm sorry that I'm late and in the future I will be more diligent and make sure that this doesn't happen again." The tone that he used was the same tone that he used on other law enforcement officials who had treated him like he was too young to be doing the job that he was. Spencer knew that he had to be careful, he could be reprimanded for his tone or at the very least Hotch could insist that he go home and not return to work until the FBI's psychiatrist said that he was able to. If there was one thing that Spencer hated more than the dark it was a nosy psychiatrist. He had already decided that if worse came to worse he would talk to Hotch privately but for right now that wasn't an option.

Hotch nodded to say that he understood. The look that he shot Reid from across the table clearly told Reid, in no uncertain terms that they would be discussing this later. Spencer mentally shrugged; there were worse things to deal with than Hotch's temper.

Morgan just sat waiting. He had figured that Hotch had called them into the briefing room because they had a case. Then there was the situation they had with Reid, but since that had been cleared up, he figured that they would continue on with whatever case J.J. had found for them.

Hotch scanned the room, studying the faces of the people on his team. He knew that there was something wrong with Reid. And judging by the looks that he was getting from Morgan, Prentiss and J.J. they knew it too. But they also knew that Reid would tell them in his own time and if they pushed he would say nothing. Hotch cleared his throat. "I have nothing more to say, just that everyone should try and finish the last of the reports…I don't want any lose ends."

As they filed out of the briefing room even Spencer was surprised. He thought that at the very least he would be reprimanded for being late for work, but there was nothing. He figured that Hotch knew that he wasn't handling things as well as he should be. Reid sat in his chair and stared at the pile of folders on his desk. Maybe he wanted them to notice that he wasn't doing well, he brushed a some of his hair away from his face, now he was sure that was why he had forgotten to set his alarm the night before (something that he had never done before), it was the first step in his cry for help.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Aaron sat in his office, one hand in a fist under his chin, the other occupied with a pen as he attempted to write the report on Dr. Reid's performance since Gideon's death. He was thankful for the knock on the door when it came.

Morgan walked into the Unit Chief's office, a somber expression on his face. "I need to talk to you."

Hotch put the pen down giving Morgan his full attention. "About what?"

"Reid. I know that it usually works best to let him come to you, once he's come to term with everything that has happened. But given his history and his past behaviour when it comes to anything traumatic, this could take awhile. Isn't there anything you can do it?"

Hotch had already known that if anyone from his team was going to approach him about Reid it would be Morgan. "You know as well as I do, if you try to push Reid into telling you anything he'll close up and refuse to talk about it. The only thing that we can do is try to encourage him to open up. If he chooses not to, as a result he falls apart then we'll be here to help him with the pieces."

Morgan nodded his head. He agreed with everything that Hotch had said and he knew that it was true. They had to let Spencer come to them, much like they had when he was addicted to Delaudid and they were hoping that he was not planning on going back to that. "Do you think that there is anything that we can do?"

Hotch ran his hand through his hair. "I don't think that there is anything that can be done. Reid needs to figure things out on his own; when he does we need to make sure that he knows that we are here for him."

Morgan didn't like what Hotch had to say but he knew that he was right. He knew that he had to help Reid somehow. He had to make him see that although Gideon had his problems, those problems and the way that he'd chosen to deal with them was not a reflection on Spencer. He had to make Spencer understand that Gideon didn't kill himself to get away from the young doctor out of disappointment. As he left Hotch's office, he shook his head. He just wasn't sure if he could do that.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Morgan had decided that he had to at least try and talk to Spencer. At first he was going to do it in the Bull Pen; but the more he thought about it, the more he realized just how terrible that idea was. He wanted Spencer to know that he cared, not feel like he was being ambushed. In the end, Derek decided that it would be best if he went to Reid's apartment.

He went to the Liquor Store first and picked up a bottle of Chardonnay, Spencer's favourite. He knew from experience that if you got a couple glasses into him, he would start to talk. If you let him talk long enough he would tell you every little thing that was bothering him, it was all about patience.

When he knocked on the door of Spencer's apartment he was a little alarmed. The mailbox by the door was overflowing with mail that hadn't made it inside. He knew that it was unlike Reid to let his mail pile up like that. After his first knock hadn't gotten a response he knocked a little louder, the lack of Spencer at the door didn't really bother him. He knew how Spencer got when he was busy with something; if he was concentrating at his task he had the tendency to block everything else out.

Just as Derek was about to admit to defeat, and go back home Reid appears at the door, looking a little worse for the wear. The dark circles that seemed permanently fixed under his eyes were a little darker than Derek remembered. Spencer was wearing jean and a black sweater, the sweater must have fit him nicely at one point but now he hung off of him. Derek shook his head, Spencer was losing weight again he just hoped that it wasn't from anything serious. It was at that point that Derek noticed that Spencer was shaking, he tried to tell himself that could be from any number of things…too much coffee, low sugar, low blood pressure or even lack of sleep. He wouldn't allow himself to entertain any idea more serious than that.

"Morgan," The surprise that he was feeling was clearly etched on his face. "What are you doing here?"

Morgan smiled. "Aren't you going to invite me in first? Or are we going to have this entire conversation from your doorstep." He made sure that his tone was light. He wasn't sure how good Spencer's mood was and the last thing that he wanted was to have Reid think that he was being insulting; that would have thrown his entire plan out the window. He was pretty sure that would have also ruined their friendship.

Spencer seemed to consider the option of staying right where he was. Then he shook his head, almost as if he had been having an inner debate with himself and had won. "Sure, come on in." He stepped aside so that Derek could come in. As Derek stepped in, Spencer closed the door behind him. "So to what do I owe this visit?"

Derek gestured to the brown bag that he had in his left hand. "I thought that maybe we could have a drink and talk." For the first time in a long time Derek actually saw Spencer smile. He was a little put down that the smile didn't reach Spencer's eyes completely but he was willing to take any small victory that he could get.

"Make yourself at home, I'll get the glasses." Spencer walked into the kitchen. As Derek sat there he wondered what in the hell he was going to say next. He knew that if he left the conversation up to Reid they would never talk about anything important. Spencer would do what he always did when he was feeling uncomfortable, he would steer the conversation away from Gideon and onto whatever he was reading or maybe something he had seen on television. No, if they were going to get anywhere he was going to have to lead the way.

Reid came back into the room with two glasses and the corkscrew. As Derek uncorked the wine, Reid seemed to be off in his own little world again. He was scanning the room and Derek had no idea why. Derek had figured that meeting Reid in his own home would have made him more at ease, not frightened and yet that seemed to be exactly what had happened. As soon as the alcohol was poured Reid downed his glass, Derek had been a bit surprised by this but didn't let it show.

Spencer sat back on the couch with his legs folded underneath him. He knew that Derek probably wanted to discuss Gideon and he wasn't sure if he could do that. He was trying to come up with a plan as to what he could do to lead the conversation onto more pleasant things. He found himself suddenly wishing that Derek had bought something harder than Chardonnay. He tried not to smile as Derek refilled his glass.

"Are you okay Spencer?"

Reid seemed to think this over. Normally Derek would call him Reid, kid or pretty boy; in all the time that they had worked together he didn't think that Derek had ever called him by his first name. This must have been a lot more serious than what he had thought. He blinked away the tears that threatened to prick his eyes.

"I don't know. I thought that I was. I thought that it was just a matter of processing the information but…" Reid shook his head as he took a sip from his glass, "Now I'm not so sure."

Derek put his hand on Reid's shoulder. "Look we all understand that this past year has been anything but easy for you. I understand that Gideon's suicide may be the straw to break the camel's back but there is a way out. You are surrounded by people that love you and the entire team is there for you if you need it. Just take it one step at a time."

Reid drained his glass and placed it on the table. He suddenly felt extremely tired. He knew that if Derek stayed maybe he could fall asleep and for once not wake up screaming. He knew that if he asked Derek would stay but what would he tell the others at the BAU? That Spencer wasn't doing as well as they had hoped? That maybe the job was too much for him and perhaps they should look at having him transferred? No, that would not do.

"Thanks for the drinks but I am so tired. I think I'll take a nap." At first Reid thought that Morgan would argue with him.

"Did you want me to stay? When you wake up we could grab a bite to eat."

"No thanks. I'll be fine. I'll see at work in the morning."

Morgan looked skeptical but at the same time he had to respect Reid and the decisions that he would make. He did stay until Reid fell asleep as he left he tried to think of what he would tell Hotch when he got back to work.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Morgan slept uneasily that night; he knew that in the morning Hotch would want to know what had been said between him and Reid. He would also want to know the impression that he got of Reid's mental state, how he'd been handling the situation that he was now in and if Morgan thought that Spencer would be better suited somewhere else. Morgan wasn't sure about the first three things but he knew that if they put Reid somewhere else; even if it was in another department, the secure network that Spencer had managed to forge around himself would be broken. And Morgan knew that when Reid was placed in a situation that he deemed threatening, usually, which involved strangers he tended to hide behind his intelligence, using it as a shield. If that happened Morgan wasn't sure that anyone would be able to reach him.

After fighting to sleep for more than an hour Derek decided that it was time to get up. He showered, dressed and made a cup of coffee. He was still sitting on the fence and trying to decide what in the hell he was going to tell Aaron. Finally he'd decided that he couldn't just sit there any longer, he left his house, got into his car and headed over to the BAU.

When he got into the Bullpen he was slightly relieved to see that it was empty. He was worried that Reid would be there or at the very least he would be just getting into the building at the same time as him. He put his bag under his desk and headed up the stairs to Hotch's office. He was relieved when he got in and the only person in Hotch's office was Hotch.

He looked up from the paper work and case files that he had already started. "Morgan, come in. I was hoping to see you this morning. Did you talk to Dr. Reid?"

Morgan stepped all the way into the office and sat down in front of Hotch's desk. "Yeah I did. The kid is having a rough time of things. I don't think that he actually believes that Gideon's death had nothing to do with him. I think that he is blaming himself for not being stronger when it came to Tobias Hankel, but he is processing it and he is trying to deal with it the best that he can. I don't think that forcing him to resign, putting him under a temporary suspension or having him transferred to another department would be a good thing at this point."

Hotch couldn't help but smile. He knew that Derek was just doing his job, analyzing all of the angles that Aaron could take this and trying to cover all of his bases but he had made the entire conversation that much more complicated. "Derek, I never said anything about doing any of those things to Reid. So, unless you've talked to someone that I haven't or you know something that I don't.." He left his sentence trail.

Derek looked puzzled. "No, nothing like that. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that he was still capable of doing his job. Wait, you're not planning on suggesting that he have a transfer?"

Hotchner shook his head. "No. I know what Gideon was to him and I know what separating him from the team would do to him. I want him right here, the BAU is his family and we need to be here just in case he needs us."

Derek exhaled a breath that he had no idea that he'd been holding. This was going to be easier than he had first thought. "Okay, well as long as he isn't in any danger of being cast out, there are a couple of things that I noticed. He's drinking more. I had brought a bottle of Chardonnay with him and drank most of it himself, he looks exhausted and he's losing weight."

Aaron ran a hand through his hair and rested his left hand under his chin. "Reid has always been on the thin side, so if he's losing weight it would be noticeable. I'm not surprised that he looks tired, you know what he's like when he gets stressed. He's been showing up early and staying late. He's throwing himself into his work. And as long as his alcohol consumption doesn't interfere with work there isn't much that I can do."

Derek nodded. "I know but at the very least we can keep an eye on him. I mean, he did show signs of having a highly addictive drug in his system when we got him back from Tobias. We have no idea if he is using that drug now."

Hotch nodded in agreement. He had known that the possibility for that was there. It wasn't something that he'd really wanted to admit to but it was there. "I know. Let's keep this between the two of us for right now. If it starts to get worse, then we'll hold a meeting with the rest of the team and if need be have an intervention with Reid."

"Yes sir." He knew that Aaron's solution wasn't perfect but it had been the best option. It wouldn't force Reid into the spotlight and for the most part Reid would be left alone…until he decided to do something drastic. Derek knew that both he and Hotch were probably thinking the same thing but neither one wanted to admit the possibility that they might lose their genius. Morgan left Hotch's office without saying another word.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Spencer wasn't stupid. He knew that if anyone out of the BAU or the FBI for that matter found out just how out of touch he actually was, he would be in a lot of trouble. He had known for quite some time he was in trouble and yet he had allowed himself to fall deeper and deeper into the pit of despair, depression and guilt. He knew that everyone said that Gideon's death had not been his fault…but if that had been the case then why did he feel as though it was? Deep down, where he buried his guilty feelings about his father leaving and having his mother committed, there was the death of Gideon. He couldn't help the thought that if he hadn't been so stupid as to think that he and J.J. could have taken Hankel alone then maybe Gideon would still be there.

He sat on the couch in his apartment. Almost empty bottle of Jack Daniel's in one hand, an unopened one resting by his feet. This is what he had been doing to avoid having to dream. He would drink until he passed out, making sure that his alarm was set. To be late for work would arouse suspicion and the last thing that he needed was the entire team to once again be constantly asking him if he was all right and if there was anything that they could do. He knew that they meant well but enough was enough. So for now the best that he would be able to do would be to go to work, smile and pretend that his entire world wasn't crashing down on his head.

He drained the bottle of Jack that he had been nursing. He stared at the empty bottle like he was unsure as to how it got there. If anyone had told him even three months that he would have gone from drinking wine and Chardonnay to hard liquor he would have laughed at them. The Spencer Reid of then had not been a drinker…the Spencer Reid of now couldn't have lived without it. He shook his head; this was becoming a very sad state of affairs. If he hadn't been so drunk he would have been disgusted with himself.

He had always prided himself on how neat and clean he had kept his apartment. Everything had a place and there usually wasn't a speck of dust or a piece of garbage to be found. Now his apartment was a mess. It looked like either someone had ransacked it or he'd been robbed. There was clutter everywhere, books lay on the floor in heaps not to mention that there were empty liquor bottles everywhere. He stared at the mess and sighed. The last sober part of his brain told him that he should make some effort to clean it, but his main comment to that was "Fuck it." He wasn't expecting company and as long as people at work thought that he was sort of dealing with it; then they would leave him alone.

As he tossed the empty whisky bottle in the corner and uncapped the full one he remembered the conversation that he had been forced to have with Strauss. She had decided that he needed to see the BAU's therapist. He had known to a degree that it was mandatory for agents who had been through a traumatic event. If finding your mentor dead wasn't traumatic he wasn't sure if he knew what was. He also knew that what she hadn't been expecting was that he would play the system, tell the therapist all the right answers without allowing him to ever really get a peek at what was really going on.

He had known that by the look on her face when Dr. Gube had come out saying that Spencer's biggest problem was that he wasn't getting enough sleep. Dr. Gube had shrugged it off saying that this was a problem that most agents had and that his psyche would sort it out. If that didn't happen then there were medicinal or non-medicinal routes that they could take. All Reid had done at that point was smile at her. He had known that the two people that he had to fool he did.

Now as he looked around at his messy apartment…including his dead plant he began to think that maybe playing the system wasn't the best idea. In fact as he looked around him he realized that could have been the biggest mistake that he had made, but it was one of those mistakes that only a time machine would have been able to fix. He took a swig out of the bottle and then set it on the floor. He knew that if he didn't get some sleep soon the next day was going to be hell to deal with.

He kept the light on, and lay on his couch. Without the darkness to taunt him, making his mind conjure up all sorts of monsters that could be hiding in the corners of the room, and with enough alcohol in his system to guarantee that there would be no dreams he was safe. He set his alarm and closed his eyes, within seconds he was asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Despite the fact that Reid had thought that he'd been doing a decent job of fooling everyone at work, everyone was worried about him. They all watched him when he was at work, realizing that he was in deeper trouble then even he realized but none of them knowing exactly how far he would go and no one knowing how to help him. Reid knew that they were watching, which was why he had been doing everything he could to give off the appearance of normalcy. That was to say that he thought that he'd been doing an okay job when it came to making them think that he was dealing…had dealt with the passing of Gideon and that he was perfectly fine. Hotch was the only one that didn't completely buy that.

Aaron knew that Reid was smart (okay, understatement and idiotic to say) and that somewhere deep down Reid had to have known that he wasn't fooling anyone. You couldn't work beside the same people, day in and day out, never mind the fact that they were Profilers, and think that you could fool them. Aaron watched Reid go through his daily tasks, going through case after case, filing the paper work and reports on time when required but when he smiled it never quite reached his eyes. He drank more coffee (if that had been possible), the dark circles under his eyes were darker and his eyes had that haunted look that Aaron was used to seeing on the victims not a member of his own team. He knew that the rest of the team was looking at him to give them the answers but he was no more knowledgeable as to what was going through the genius' head then anyone else was.

Garcia, on the other had had decided that if no one was going to talk to Reid then she was going to have to. There was no way that she was just going to sit there and let Reid get lost further and further into the misery that he had built around himself. She was tired of people acting like he was going to break. As far as she was concerned, they had waited long enough for him to open up. She knew from working with Reid that he wasn't going to admit that there was a problem or that he needed help, a talk or even a hug. No, with her little genius usually you had to coax it out of him. Or else he would just let it fester and eat away at him until something really bad happened.

She waited until most people had left for the day. It wasn't all that unusual that he was the last one to leave that had become his custom ever since Gideon died. She knew what he was doing, aside from ignoring the fact that he was starting to scare everyone around him, he would wait until he was certain that everyone was gone and then he would go through Gideon's old case files. She had no idea what he could possibly be looking for, all she knew was that's what he was doing.

She walked silently into the dimly lit bullpen. He was sitting at his desk; he had pulled out most of Gideon's old files and was going through them. At first she just stood there and watched him. She had always found it fascinating and somewhat eerie when he read, the speed that he could use to go through a file or a book was freaky at times. He was so engrossed in what he was doing that he didn't even realize that he was being watched. She almost didn't want to interrupt him until she notice the tremor to his hands and the silent tears that were making their way down his face.

She walked until she was right behind him and put her had on his all-too-thin shoulder. "Spencer?" She hadn't expected that he would jump, scaring the crap out of both of them.

"Garcia? What are you doing here?" His voice was a squeak and he looked like the little boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

She put her hands on her hips, very much in little mother mode. "I could ask you the same thing. When was the last time you had a good night's sleep or anything to eat for that matter?" As she spoke she lightly poked at him. She couldn't remember the last time that she had seen him eat anything and she didn't want to end up hurting him.

He tried telling himself that this was no big deal. That she was just being concerned and that he could lie his way through this. He had formed the lie in his head, he had even visualized how the scene would play out and that she would fall for it apologize for the intrusion and leave him alone. He was trying not to look guilty, not to lead on that he was falling apart. She shook her head and he knew right then that lying wasn't going to be an option, she was not going to be satisfied with pretty words and lame excuses. He took a deep breath and rubbed at his eyes to try and bring them back into focus. "Okay, admittedly it has been awhile. It hasn't been intentional, it's just that I've been really busy." He said realizing after the words left his mouth how lame they sounded.

"Are you trying to seriously tell me that you have been so busy that you don't have time to eat or try and get a good night's sleep? Dr. Reid that is the craziest thing that I have ever heard. Come on." She held out her hand.

"What do you want?" He stood up without taking her hand. The room was starting to spin. He tried to let on just how bad things had gotten and the fact that he wasn't completely sure that he would be able to make it out of the bullpen without passing out on the way to the door. He closed his eyes against the dizziness and took a deep breath. He could hear her voice but he was having such a hard time focusing that he couldn't make out what she was saying.

Garcia knew that something was wrong. When he had stood up, all of the colour had drained out of face and then he passed out. She was on the phone immediately with EMS. She had no idea what precisely was wrong with him but she blamed herself. She hadn't been desensitized to what her genius had been going through and she knew that she should have seen the signs that Spencer was in trouble way before it got to this point. She decided right then and there that she was going to have to have a long talk with him as soon as he was up to it.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Reid was unconscious for longer then what the medic who was tending to him would have liked. She had already taken his vitals and had looked him over, aside from exhaustion and being a little under weight she had seen no reason why he should have been out this long. She was minutes away from talking to his supervisors, she had been part of the medical staff of the FBI for years and so she was very familiar with Dr. Reid. She knew that he had always been on the thin side but this was ridiculous. How could he have lost this much weight and no one noticed? She had known of the tragedy that had befallen this particular BAU Unit. Why had no one bothered to make sure that the young man had gone to talk to someone? She knew that they liked to treat everyone as an equal but the fact was Spencer was socially awkward and so he tended not to deal with emotionally charged situations like everyone else would. The fact that they had stood by watched this young man slowly decay was unacceptable and it made her angry.

Spencer sat up, his head throbbed but other than that he knew that he was fine. The medic, Edna was flipping through some papers. He could see from the concern on her face that she was comparing his last medical exam to what the Psychiatric evaluation that he had done just after they had discovered that Gideon was dead. Undoubtedly she had noticed that he was not doing as well as he had said that he was. This was not for lack of trying; he would be the first one to point that out.

Edna looked up and smiled in relief as she noticed that Spencer was awake, and obviously eager to get back to work. Before she had the chance to say another Aaron Hotchner had walked in, the expression that he wore would have silenced anyone. Spencer took a deep breath and swallowed hard as Aaron approached where he was sitting.

"Edna, could we have minute?"

"Of course." She put the papers that she had been looking at on the table and left the room.

Hotch stood near Spencer. "This stops now. I need to know exactly what is going on with you. Neither one of us is leaving this room until you tell me." He knew that his words sounded harsh but at the same time he had tried doing things the way that Spencer would have wanted but that was getting them nowhere fast. The last thing that he had expected was that Spencer would grab his arm, bringing him close as if he wanted to whisper something to him. Instead he pulled him close, buried his face in the fabric of Hotch's shirt and cried.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 13

As Reid had predicted the ride was silent. Spencer was trying so hard to stay awake but he felt safe. When you combine that with the warm air inside the car, the steady vibrations of the motor as well as the constant movement and it wouldn't have taken a genius to figure out why he had fallen asleep so quickly.

Hotch had noticed Reid's breathing had evened out and although every fiber of his being was telling him to just take him home, he drove him to his apartment. He knew that he'd told Reid what he'd needed to hear; not necessarily what he'd been ready to hear. So he drove him home, knowing that for the most part all Reid needed was some descent sleep.

He parked near the entrance to the building and walked over to the passenger side door. He'd attempted to wake Reid up but shaking his shoulder and calling his name did nothing. He bent down and picked the young man up. Hotch was unsure as to how well that plan would work; he wasn't built like Derek and yes he could pick up Haley. Picking up your wife was a lot different from picking up your tall, male co-worker. Sadly, he found that he could pick him up with little to no problems. He deduced that Reid had lost more weight then what he'd previously thought.

Once inside his apartment he gently laid him on the couch, removed the doctor's shoes and covered him with the blanket that had been draped over the arm of the couch. He took a look around the apartment and knew that Reid was in trouble. Not only was Reid not dealing with Gideon's suicide very well but also he didn't seem to be keeping his apartment in its usual level of cleanliness.

There were books all over the place; as well as empty alcohol bottles all over the place. To satisfy his own curiosity he opened Reid's fridge; it was empty. As he opened one kitchen cupboard after another and found more of the same (they were empty).

Aaron debated on whether he should stay or if Spencer would be okay on his own. There was a lot that he wanted to discuss with the young genius but he also knew that most of that would have to wait.

He called Morgan to find out if he thought that leaving Spencer would be a good idea. Just as he was dialing his phone Reid started to whimper in his sleep. He shut his phone off and knelt beside the sleeping man. "It's okay Reid." He gently rubbed the other man's back as he realized that he was sobbing so hard that his entire body was shaking. If this is what it was like every time he tried to sleep it was no wonder the young man always looked tired.

Hotch got an idea, he knew that it would be seen as unprofessional but they weren't at work and if it worked maybe he would get some decent sleep. Hotch sat on the couch and picked the younger man up, with one hand under his neck and the other under his knees. This allowed him to cradle him like he had done with Jack when he was small and had had a nightmare.

He sat on the couch, cradling Reid and gently rocking back and forth. He was a bit surprised, knowing what he did about Spencer's childhood. He knew that as a general rule Spencer wasn't one for physical contact that was why he was surprised that Reid had let himself be picked up in the first place. He had been further surprised when the doctor seemed to completely relaxed and how easily he seemed to drift off into a peaceful sleep.

Aaron sat there for three hours while the young man slept. Aaron would smile every once in awhile as the genius would mumble in his sleep. Aaron would have continued to sit there until Reid had decided to wake up but his back had started to go numb and that was when he realized that he had to move. The minute he put Spencer down so that he was laying on the couch, the younger man started to move in his sleep. Hotch went to pick him back up; thinking that he could cradle him again and get him back to sleep. As soon as he touched the doctor, Spencer yelped and sat up. His eyes were side and frightened, with tears already making their way down his face. He angrily wiped them away with the back of his hand.

"I'm sorry. I seem to be doing this a lot lately."

Hotch put his hand on Reid's shoulder. "It'll be okay. And you don't need to keep apologizing; you've done nothing wrong. You've been having a hard time dealing with this and you've turned to a coping mechanism that hundreds, if not thousands of other people have done."

"Statistically only…"

Hotch put his hand up to silence Reid, he really wasn't interested in statistics and knew that Spencer was using that as a way to change the subject. "Reid, you are not a statistic. And you can't keep hiding your feelings; sooner or later you're going break. When you finally do it won't be pretty."

Spencer shook his head. "You're wrong Hotch."

Hotch raised an eyebrow in surprise and gestured to the mess that seemed to have accumulated everywhere. "Normally this place is so clean and neat that the landlord doubts there is someone living here. I took the liberty of looking in your cupboards, when was the last time you went grocery shopping?" Although his words were clearly accusing Spencer of self-neglect, his tone was gentle. He needed Spencer to realize that the way he was handling things was wrong but that he'd expected him to have done that and that he was willing to help him fix the damage.

"I know you don't believe me but I will be fine. I've just let a few things slip." Reid knew that he was taking a long shot; lying to Hotch. They were all profilers. They had told Garcia time and time again that it was pointless lying to them, they would find out the truth one way or another.

"Reid…" Hotch shook his head.

Reid closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't know what to do. I thought I did, I really thought that I could beat this. I thought that after everything that had happened, after reading his letter, going to the funeral and seeing for himself that Gideon was actually gone, I would be able to rationalize it, I could get over it and continue on with my life. But I can't get it out of my head. Every time I close my eyes he is there, in my head, trying to either tell me something or he's yelling at me; telling me to smarten up and pull it together. I'm so lost. He was my mentor; if I had known that Gideon would just up and leave, I don't know if I would have bothered with joining the BAU or even the FBI." As he spoke his crying got worse. He knew that what Spencer had just told him, was private. It was obvious that that was something that he probably hadn't told another soul.

"There is no harm in feeling that way, we all do at one point in time or another. That comes with any job; you do it long enough and it becomes tedious. But those feelings aside, try imagining what your life would be like if you weren't getting up and doing this everyday."

Reid tilted his head. "I never thought of doing anything else. It was always this."

Aaron smiled. That was exactly the answer he'd hoped for. "And that was nothing to do with Jason Gideon, that is all you."

Reid reached over and squeezed Hotch's hand. "Thank you."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

As Reid had predicted the ride was silent. Spencer was trying so hard to stay awake but he felt safe. When you combine that with the warm air inside the car, the steady vibrations of the motor as well as the constant movement and it wouldn't have taken a genius to figure out why he had fallen asleep so quickly.

Hotch had noticed Reid's breathing had evened out and although every fiber of his being was telling him to just take him home, he drove him to his apartment. He knew that he'd told Reid what he'd needed to hear; not necessarily what he'd been ready to hear. So he drove him home, knowing that for the most part all Reid needed was some descent sleep.

He parked near the entrance to the building and walked over to the passenger side door. He'd attempted to wake Reid up but shaking his shoulder and calling his name did nothing. He bent down and picked the young man up. Hotch was unsure as to how well that plan would work; he wasn't built like Derek and yes he could pick up Haley. Picking up your wife was a lot different from picking up your tall, male co-worker. Sadly, he found that he could pick him up with little to no problems. He deduced that Reid had lost more weight then what he'd previously thought.

Once inside his apartment he gently laid him on the couch, removed the doctor's shoes and covered him with the blanket that had been draped over the arm of the couch. He took a look around the apartment and knew that Reid was in trouble. Not only was Reid not dealing with Gideon's suicide very well but also he didn't seem to be keeping his apartment in its usual level of cleanliness.

There were books all over the place; as well as empty alcohol bottles all over the place. To satisfy his own curiosity he opened Reid's fridge; it was empty. As he opened one kitchen cupboard after another and found more of the same (they were empty).

Aaron debated on whether he should stay or if Spencer would be okay on his own. There was a lot that he wanted to discuss with the young genius but he also knew that most of that would have to wait.

He called Morgan to find out if he thought that leaving Spencer would be a good idea. Just as he was dialing his phone Reid started to whimper in his sleep. He shut his phone off and knelt beside the sleeping man. "It's okay Reid." He gently rubbed the other man's back as he realized that he was sobbing so hard that his entire body was shaking. If this is what it was like every time he tried to sleep it was no wonder the young man always looked tired.

Hotch got an idea, he knew that it would be seen as unprofessional but they weren't at work and if it worked maybe he would get some decent sleep. Hotch sat on the couch and picked the younger man up, with one hand under his neck and the other under his knees. This allowed him to cradle him like he had done with Jack when he was small and had had a nightmare.

He sat on the couch, cradling Reid and gently rocking back and forth. He was a bit surprised, knowing what he did about Spencer's childhood. He knew that as a general rule Spencer wasn't one for physical contact that was why he was surprised that Reid had let himself be picked up in the first place. He had been further surprised when the doctor seemed to completely relaxed and how easily he seemed to drift off into a peaceful sleep.

Aaron sat there for three hours while the young man slept. Aaron would smile every once in awhile as the genius would mumble in his sleep. Aaron would have continued to sit there until Reid had decided to wake up but his back had started to go numb and that was when he realized that he had to move. The minute he put Spencer down so that he was laying on the couch, the younger man started to move in his sleep. Hotch went to pick him back up; thinking that he could cradle him again and get him back to sleep. As soon as he touched the doctor, Spencer yelped and sat up. His eyes were side and frightened, with tears already making their way down his face. He angrily wiped them away with the back of his hand.

"I'm sorry. I seem to be doing this a lot lately."

Hotch put his hand on Reid's shoulder. "It'll be okay. And you don't need to keep apologizing; you've done nothing wrong. You've been having a hard time dealing with this and you've turned to a coping mechanism that hundreds, if not thousands of other people have done."

"Statistically only…"

Hotch put his hand up to silence Reid, he really wasn't interested in statistics and knew that Spencer was using that as a way to change the subject. "Reid, you are not a statistic. And you can't keep hiding your feelings; sooner or later you're going break. When you finally do it won't be pretty."

Spencer shook his head. "You're wrong Hotch."

Hotch raised an eyebrow in surprise and gestured to the mess that seemed to have accumulated everywhere. "Normally this place is so clean and neat that the landlord doubts there is someone living here. I took the liberty of looking in your cupboards, when was the last time you went grocery shopping?" Although his words were clearly accusing Spencer of self-neglect, his tone was gentle. He needed Spencer to realize that the way he was handling things was wrong but that he'd expected him to have done that and that he was willing to help him fix the damage.

"I know you don't believe me but I will be fine. I've just let a few things slip." Reid knew that he was taking a long shot; lying to Hotch. They were all profilers. They had told Garcia time and time again that it was pointless lying to them, they would find out the truth one way or another.

"Reid…" Hotch shook his head.

Reid closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't know what to do. I thought I did, I really thought that I could beat this. I thought that after everything that had happened, after reading his letter, going to the funeral and seeing for himself that Gideon was actually gone, I would be able to rationalize it, I could get over it and continue on with my life. But I can't get it out of my head. Every time I close my eyes he is there, in my head, trying to either tell me something or he's yelling at me; telling me to smarten up and pull it together. I'm so lost. He was my mentor; if I had known that Gideon would just up and leave, I don't know if I would have bothered with joining the BAU or even the FBI." As he spoke his crying got worse. He knew that what Spencer had just told him, was private. It was obvious that that was something that he probably hadn't told another soul.

"There is no harm in feeling that way, we all do at one point in time or another. That comes with any job; you do it long enough and it becomes tedious. But those feelings aside, try imagining what your life would be like if you weren't getting up and doing this everyday."

Reid tilted his head. "I never thought of doing anything else. It was always this."

Aaron smiled. That was exactly the answer he'd hoped for. "And that was nothing to do with Jason Gideon, that is all you."

Reid reached over and squeezed Hotch's hand. "Thank you."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 – The Final Chapter

The first thing Spencer did was take a week off. He knew that was an unexpected move and a lot of people would question it and probably freak out. When the request came across her desk. Erin Strauss didn't even blink; she gave it to him without so much as a second thought.

He took the time to clean his apartment, go grocery shopping and attempt to re-evaluate what he wanted out of his life. He knew that leaving the BAU wasn't an option, they were his family and right now they were the only support network that he had. He knew that despite the way he acted and everything that he'd been though they were all rooting for him and waiting for him to pull through. Being that as it was there were some things that he needed to work through.

So he sat down and wrote everything out that had happened to him over the past year; the good, the bad; all the things that he wanted to change even though he knew that he couldn't. After deciding that there was nothing that he could, he realized that there was only one thing left that he had to do.

He dressed in his best (the way that his father had always said that you should dress when you were paying your respects to the dead). Once he got to the cemetery and perched crossed-legged in front of Jason's tombstone, the letter that Jason had written in one hand and a bouquet of pink, red, white and yellow Zinnia's, as a token of remembrance to Gideon. He could still remember trying to explain to Jason why he liked some flowers better than others; it had all been the meaning of the flower (or the combination of flowers) not the colours.

He carefully placed the flowers on top of the tombstone. "I don't understand it, and I'm not going to pretend that I do. I'm not sure what hope any of us have in lasting very long in this profession. They keep telling me that you were unwell and that it has nothing to do with me and my failure to keep my head. I don't know if there is any truth to that. I find it too coincidental that both you and my father left me. Both Hotch and Morgan have tried reassuring me that it has nothing to do with me but I think that they are wrong. I think that in the long run it has everything to do with me and I am just that unwanted and easily ditched."

He shook his head, causing his hair to fall into his eyes, making him look that much younger. He felt ridiculous talking to a tombstone but his therapist, Strauss, Hotch, Morgan, J.J, Garcia and just about everyone else that talked to him, seemed to think that it was a really good idea. He failed to see how it would help and right now it really didn't seem to be doing anything. He was just about to chalk it up as another failure when an elderly woman walked over to where he was sitting.

She had been watching him since he had stepped into the graveyard. She could tell by the way he walked, the slow pace, the way he looked at the ground, the tears that shone in his eyes, which for one reason or another he would not allow to fall, that he was visiting someone special, she had mistakenly thought it was his father. She knew that in times of need, or trouble sometimes all people needed was a friendly shoulder or a reminder of happier times. "I'm sure that you were a wonderful son and that he loved you." She patted his shoulder and walked away.

He smiled as he put the letter back in his pocket; it was odd how much people just assumed. He had already figured that she thought that he was visiting a relative, the majority of people who visited cemetery's were. "Thank you." He said to both the woman and the tombstone. He reached over and let his fingers graze over the lettering. "I know now what needs to be done. I know that I need to continue on with the BAU, it is what you would want me to do. For a long time I blamed myself but now I get it. You wanted me to have a sounding board, you tried to be that for me but the things inside your head were just too much. Now I have a sounding board. You gave me the greatest thing that you could, even if you didn't know it. Thank you."

He stood up, straightened out his clothes and walked out of the graveyard. He wasn't sure if he had gotten it right. He wasn't foolish enough to believe that Gideon had ended his own life just for him but he knew that this was the only way that he would be able to cope. He knew now that he was ready to go back to work. He would go back to the BAU the next day with a spring in his step and a smile on his face.

THE END


End file.
